Try to find myself some sleep at 11 something but couldn't sleep. Get off thee bed and grab some water and donuts. Sitting on the dinning table, thinking about something went wrong. Hearing the beep of the car outside my window, people screaming and talking at the same time. The aeroplane are on the sky, passing through the condo. Something whisper to my ear and talking to myself. Thinking *Am I crazy? Is this what I really want to happen? I'm gonna lose someone I love most! I'm done, I'm finish. My fairy tales end here.* What ls could go wrong? Spill a million tears. My fingers are shacking and my brain is thinking. Thinking about dialing the number that I should have done early just now. But I'm afraid that I might fall to the wrong steps and make it more worst. I keep crying and try to scream but my voice are not out. Starring outside the street, wondering what have I done all this year. Realize that I'm not good enough for a boy who adores me. Realize that I'm just a person who gets caught up in the past and always try to move out from the life. It's nothing but a failure. A failure to him, a failure to me too! Just that my hearts keep pumping like I'm scare. Scare of losing someone that's really important to me. I'm just afraid that I might fall again. Feet are cold enough as my body temperature starts to get lower, eyes turns to red. Thinking about him right now. >> In my mind was: Can I get him back? Is he having affair with other girl or not? Am I going to be his mrs. in the future or not? Could I go so far in this relationship? Question keep pops out in my mind, answer remains unknown. Heart says keep positive and hold your head up high. Pray for something better. started to cry as I start to think again about the good and bad. Cursing for the bad, pray for the good. Here comes my situation again, repeat all over :/

Loser of the year, me :)

Here's I'am, In Sabah again. This time, I has no smile at all! Its the worst day I ever get. I need somebody to talk to! My boo and I had an issue about misunderstanding. He thinks that I don't love him anymore and feeling don't care. I can't say much but I let the God gives me some clue to solve this problem. I can't go on anymore. I'm worn out on my knees already. I have tired of pretending that everything is okay all this time. So, here's the truth. I had no where else to talk with somebody even my family don't give a thing about me. When I try to talk to someone else, they had an misunderstanding about the stories that I almost try to say. I had enough of the cold night this few days and I can't stand it anymore. I could scream and cry inside but I can';t hold my expression about how I feel today. This not a BEAUTIFUL day. I know this town has been decorated with Christmas tree but I'm not that smiling this year. I always hope that someday people b open minded with me. It's like my life was unfair! I was suppose to be a happy girl but this time, I'm the frowning girl. I will spill it out right now! I need someone to talk things out with open minded. People always had there backs supported but me, I always get the negative position. I end up being the bad guys among everyone??? Being left alone?? I'm pretty down right now and I was very hoping to have someone to cheer me up. But what can I say, I was too worried about what could have happen to me in the future. I need my annoying king now! But I can see that we had an issue, so I would just left it like that. Maybe it's the best if we leave it day way. Through out the year, I know I'm just somebody who finds life was nothing. I admit, I always give up in life>> always! << But what can I do? Tonight, I will be left out and handle this things all my own without any support on my backs or friend to tell. This is the real me. Person who likes to solve her own problems without telling people what happen. I rather be alone with my problems than busting somebody brains. * do not get this too negatively. I know you think your not the best for me >> Annoying king*

The king of mine ;)

Here's something we don't know about someone. I was having a blessing year when I was in 8th grade. I was afraid to tell the truth by that time cause I had someone but I never knew that I end up hanging with him through the phone all night until today. It happen when he started to annoyed me with no reason. It's like that is his thing he really love to do, ANNOYED PEOPLE! At first, I'm really the type of a quite person in class because I don't know how to fit in with others. I hang out with my only friend, kimberly. She's a lot of an athlete in our class as a golfer. For a while he annoyed me, I started to feel like having this weird feeling towards him. I try and try to resist the opportunity to be annoyed him back but what can I say, I annoyed him back. During my season of BETRAY life, my ONLY ONE that I suppose to be trust, promise to be together FOREVER has betray me with someone else but I just make things easy and let him slip slowly from my arms. Slowly and painfully, I feel like there's nothing to left and I just kept myself quite. Without telling anyone about it, I turn myself down to the annoying king. I told him everything what just happen in my life and so does his life too. We share a lot of same and different stories everyday. He was caring about me, talk me out of my problem and make me smile like a clown. I told myself from that day to be strong. At the end of my 8th grade, I was the happiest girl. I'm telling the truth, I smile and laugh a lot around my friends. Playing with pebbles, chasing with the annoying king. What a life! But when it comes to 9th grade, I was dead road. I cry for once in the phone telling his dumping me for a girl. As like my feeling my dreaming in thin air. The annoying king talk me out and told me that don't cry. Your such a baby! He make a fun of me but thou it was hard to smile, in the end I smile like a clown again! Until the day I found myself stuck with him in the 9th grade! Oh yeah, I remember back when we painted the class and you pretend to paint my side with your color. When I try to make a payback, you paint my arms with blue. Thou, we're in a mess but It makes everything clear. I'm happy to be my your side more than his side. You even spent most of your times with me, sharing stories with me and make me smile whenever I was in a sad season. Now, I get the whole picture that I really want to be with you. But who cares! I'm with you now!

sincerely, chelsea ;)

Dear Mr.F, We were friend before this. Nothing but an ordinary annoying friends. It was like yesterday we were a friend. I still remember I cry in the phone for advise. You told me not to cry and make smile like a children. I still remember how you poke me during studying, pulling my hair one by one? Its a hell back there but we manage to laugh together in the end. When you sit next to me, all I thought was revenge. But back then, I was been possessed by your perfection and your beauty. Your true colors makes me feel for you. During the school break, you did call me for many times and pretty much like the conversation. You give me a big laughter and when I hang up the phone, I smile myself and say "well done!". Days pass by so fast and the school break almost done. So, I thought maybe it's the right time for me to move forward. At the end of my text, I did wrote "Good night! I like you" or "bye! I love you". But you gave me no response but the words of "are you serious?". Hurts sometimes but it's okay. slowly, I'm tired of your no response and thinking there's no chance for us. So, I stop but I crawl back again to try on the January. I was single on the night of 24 January and you are there with me celebrating Chinese New year. Watching the fireworks together from our own place. I was hoping for it to be real thou but it's all a dream! oh yeah, I remember the day we went to paint our classroom. It's p-r-e-t-t-y AWESOME! A day before, you told me to wait for you outside. So, I did! But it's nothing happen. Now, here's what happen! I was painting the door at the back with red paint and you came along and take the blue paint. You decided to paint the doors too. But I was busy listening to the music and stressing my issue. You came with your paint and paint my area with blue! I was really mad cause I work so hard to make it look perfect. I take mine and paint your hands with red. We both had a revenge together but happy! Ahh, children! Now, what a story! A lot to write but maybe let memories be memories cause it won't change as it has written already. But nevermind, as long as I have you. I don't have to worried my *** off thinking what could go wrong. *positive thinking* sincerely, me ;) * I wrote this for a very long period because this stupid keyboard cannot work it's E correctly.

Life as a highway !

I was back on the board again with my cousin Hayley! But I have learn a valuable lesson about having someone important in life could be a big thing. My cousin just got divorced with her new wives a few months ago has bring me to a reflection towards myself. I never thought that something you never expected can happen just like that. My cousin just got married on the night of September but a few weeks later, he and his wives divorced for some reason which is private. He had to faced the whole thing by himself and get me involved with his cases! So, I help! Indeed, I know I'm too young to handle this type of case but it's okay to help. I knew that someone who is searching for the big light was always there. He told me, every person deserves a smile and a warm laughter from their heart.<<< Here I'am, once again.. feeling lost but now and then!I breathe it in to let it go. >>> That's Victorious theme song ! But as for me, I know it's nothing wrong to feel free underneath the sun and feel your skin burning. Me and my cousin lay down on this hill in the park, looking up to the skies. I did have some fun with him cause he was my only cousin from my childhood and I'm glad to have you as my cousin! We did break some rules at the park thou until the security chase us down to the car. Maybe I was a little soul free for that but who cares! I just wanna have some fun ;)

Let the sea set you free

People say that expressing your emotional by dancing, hearing music or play some music on your guitar could help you released your madness>>> but for me, I like to do such a weird thing like hanging upside down, playing on my Ukulele or read some empty pages?  But my dream in my life is I wish that I was a professional surfer someday. I just want to enter the Roxy contest if I have the chance! I wanna be one of the Roxy girl who they search forever!  She is one of the best surfer and a Malaysian too! She was my inspiration for me to be a surfer! I don't have to wait for scholarship or some random university to come in the future, I just wait for the beautiful waves come! That's my dream! Surfs in the middle of sea with the waves makes my soul feel the freedom without hesitate anything. Watching the movies of Blue crush and soul surfer makes me feel very confident towards my dream to be a surfer!>>><<< But it's ashamed that in Malaysia, It's so hard to find those waves. Like my friends told me, I could go from the beginning! I will start  from skateboarding after that I go for skim boarding. So that, I can chase over big waves in Bali! Just that, I really want to surf in Bali! It's a beautiful and awesome spot for a cliff diving and surfing! Even it's located in Indonesia but its okay! ;)

Friendship Part IV

It's a weirdnesday! Where weird truth crumbles down onto everyone and rumor spread so fast. The revenge is coming between humanity while the other side of them are gladly to forgive their mistake. I don't really know why and how can the conflict happens but somehow I know, they accuse me on something that I don't really did on that day. Which is people believe on my story by knowing that people don't believe theirs.

I started to give my cold shoulder to them during the fire drill but the next day, truth reveal soon as my other eye witness appear to be true. It was the judge of the week where people compare between me and her. It's a competition! We has not spoken since the conflict happen. What I realize is that a person who I can put my trust on has put my trust off to herself. Which is in the other side, we keep on being an enemy.

For a while, another rumor tag along. It involve between me and Kimberly this time. But this time, they blame for Kim about starting this argument between us. They said that I was being so stupid stood their and hear what Kim told me to do so. By the way, they started it first. They just don't seem to accept the fact that they lose the truth.

What I see is that, they keep on teasing us for some VIP something. Which we teased them back as PENGHASUT! On that day, it was a monday morning. They almost give our temper off the hook. But we managed to handle it calmly. All I do there was just to stood and look at them. Making like they always win the game but in the future, they don't.

We started to give them a real big grin with a big fake feelings which is started to annoyed us. Instead, we just keep it to ourself and let it slip through our fingers so easy. Just to say babe, every truth reveal someday and people will know your true colors 

Friendship Part III

It's the freaky day! Where I hear children laugh and teenagers gossip. An important message I want to deliver to you is that friends are not TOYS and friends is a place for you to share your stories. I have some legend to tell you! Here it goes

  When I was in primary school, I was the girl who always had books all over me. Trust me, I look awful! I was a person who had a very less friend after some tragedy I just did in primary 5. When I was the only person who had no trust on everyone, I had a special friend who always be there for me quiet a long time even the situation ups and downs.

   Her name was Prisca Sandu. One of my ibans friend who live at Pujut 5 here. She was a very cheerful and a crazy one who always lost her marble every second. Thou, she makes me smile everyday even laugh. She understands me quiet a lot and always be my back up partner. She never backstab me or anything else thou. I can sure that she is a true friend. We laugh, we sing and we dance all day!

    Nowaday, it's very hard to find a special friend like her. A friend that you can trust, you can hare your stories or secret. But now, friends like that are not exist anymore because of people has no respect on each other. Thou, they are friends but respect has slip away and the dignity are gone.

     Some people thinks their perfect and cool for everything but for me, no one is perfect! Almost 75% of the teenagers mostly girls love to turn themselves to the mirror. They spent almost half an hour to face the mirror and they always adore their look. The riddle sort of Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the beautiful woman in this world?-me. Sound familiar?

       So, here's a thing for the backstabbers out there. No matter where you are, what you did to people will come back to you again. You will feel the emptiness around you when all of your  friend walk out from your life and make you feel that you are nothing. When a real person who's friendly enough, they should watch their mouth before they say something. They just care so much about people feeling and don't want to see them get hurt. Even you find yourself perfect, you will stood there and see everything that belongs to you will never be perfect anymore. A perfect riddle for a bacstabbers, when you own everything, you might lose anything.

P/S: say sorry before it's too late. You will faced the big consequence when you are dealing with truth. trust me, lie some more won't help. You only make it more worst ;)

Friendship Part II

Life's are like roses with it's torn. Every life is equal into all types of feelings and some involve with all types of problems we're facing. Some feeling are involving with what you did in your everyday life. If you know, how to work with your life.. Then continue your life and never give up to defeat your disability.

    Lots of relationship are happen among friends. Conflicts happen when trust has break the chain. Trust mean you have your full trust on someone or having a trust on someone. When a person trust you a lot, they will believes you 100% but now teenagers love to lie a lot on every problem or stories they share together.

     However, million of friendship has break into pieces and some has lost their friends.                 It happen when a person lie or backstabbed one another. Yet, conflict happen when dilema involve in the relationship. For example, a friend is interested in a boy which happen to be the other friend likes him too. When one of it happens to be own by that boy, the other one happen to be jealous and make the relationship drag so far until they didn't spoken since.

      In addition, friendship is not only about a normal relationship. It's about a friend who are willing to  her sacrifice on every problems you have. A true friends love to help each other, dare to hear your problems and lend her shoulder for you to cry on. She will stick with you in any situation. Not to mention, she will always be there for you.  She will also be one of your childhood memories until you die. Even you have husband or kids, she will always be your friends. The important things that you have to know is she loves you for who you are and accept you for who you are.

      A friend that leaves you when you're in trouble is not one of a true friend. She only finds you when she need your help. A friend that count your money in your pocket are not your true friend. A friend that is using you for they own deeds is not a true friend. You have to be understand which is true and which is not.

      In this case, choosing a right friend is a good idea to have a lovely childhood when you are younger.

P/S: every detail is based on a true story ;)

    

People's mistake

  Mistake happen all the time but some of people likes to find people's mistake and a big deal about it. Sometimes, they think it was cool for them to that such thing without notice their own fear in life. For some example, people likes to talk around your back but you notice it so much clearer. They don't know about themselves.

  Either how, they know about people's live but they don't know how does people feel. In a million of phrase, they want to be seen so badly. They want people to bow down on every words they said. For me, it's not that cool to do that such thing. I know people like this do exist on Earth. But does God ask us to do this such thing? Does God ask us to lie about people's life and make a whole scene about it? No! People like this should realize how words can hurt people feelings even it's just word. Little words gives big scars on people heart. Not that mean I'm too perfect an everything. I admit I did talk like them but not all time. Truth, I never bother about people life unless if he or she a part of my life, then I go and talk but not behind their back. Know yourself much better first then you know people's life.

  Thus, I've heard a million of stories about people life through rumors of course. I never seem to care to know about it. Sometimes, I don't believe in rumors cause rumors are lies. Lies? What can I say? People lie to cover the whole truth. Some lie are good but some are not. Example of a good lie is called whites lies. But lots of lie I heard from people's mouth are bad lies. Bad lies are too fit in to peoples life and pretend. But sometimes, lying is a big risk. When your lies crumble down and the truth was exposed, you will feel very ashamed. You also don't know how to hide your faces.

  The reason I wrote this is because I want the whole world to know that mistake happen all the times. People like us should involve actively in the mother nature not in people's life. It's very personal when it comes to people's life style. Before I go, I want to tell you this.  You must not laugh when people makes mistake. If people laugh on your mistake, will you feel ashamed towards yourself? Of course. I know you will be giving a blush on your cheek. People has a sense of humor and people has a feeling to hurt. When you know it's your turn to get what you did to people, you will realize that it's your mistake to make people feel that way. In a phrase, What comes around, goes back around.

Friendship

Friendship? what else could go wrong...

  I've seen million of action that has happen between friends and friends. Trust me, everyone been in that world.

  I've got a FRIEND here who used to be my best friend. I would have probably think twice before choosing her thou but now I have seen her true color. She look quite understanding but deeply inside, she's not. Every dark side of me, I told her but she end up running from me and telling how horrible I'm. In yet, I'm a patient person with her attitude. She even had this look in her eyes when she look at me but all I do is smile.

 She's trying to expose me with her words all to her friends. Every single steps I take, she take a good look at it. I admit, I wasn't ready to be one of her best friend when she ask me to be hers. But I can't really tell why she pick me. Maybe because she just want to use me on something so she can have everything. Every time I catch a glimpse on her, she tried to give me this look. Even she do those mean things to me, doesn't mean that I'm going to be like her. 

  I was just trying to be her friend and yes, I was a fool to believe she is one but now I realize. She wasn't there for me when I'm in trouble. Never mind thou! I forgive her mistake. Now, I've to put my full trust on myself and never let myself down. Cause I know, friends come and go whenever they wants too. Even if we ask them to stay, they will choose to leave because they want to be with their destiny.

  The moral value here is we have to pick the correct person to be your friend. Who always support your back, hates to see you sad and always accept you for who you are. True friend are willing to hear all of your stories no matter what.   

 Written by,

CHELSEA BULAN

Month of April .

Where should I start first? let me see, oh ya! firstly, I got everything I wanted all this time but my belief is when you've got everything, soon your gonna lose something in future. But then don't mind thou, cause I'm not the one who invent my destiny. I just let it be what it suppose to be. The second comes in mind is that, there's this allure guy. His the same class with me. He sits at the second row start from the left and sit in th third table on the left. His quite annoying but even his annoying, he got this thing to himself until I can't kept my eyes of him. When he look at me, I got this butterfly in me. If he read this, I'm sure he got a cheek blush but that's okay. I'm very looking forward to see him smile all the time. Without him, I won't be able to be so diligent to go to school. Third of all, everyone knows we are the last candidates that took PMR exam right? so, here's a thing. PMR is coming this October if I'm not mistaken. I'm dreaming to be in one of the science class. and because of that, I have to study hard in science and maths to be in one of those class. At least 2 or 3 A's then I can enter those class. Well, I'm very nervous with those exam or exam coming this May. will be doing a lot of practice and exercise like in primary. Going to be stressful this year, but kindly to say I can do it! go Chelsea!

I say I raise my white flag, I lose in this battlefield..I'm sorry.

Since this 1 whole week, I put this one big fake smile just because I have a huge fight with my dad. what the >< did I just do until he get pissed all the sudden? I even sleep in the living room because he lock my room. I only eat in the afternoon for sake. If I was leaving the house, swear he will be more than a hungry ghost. I mean, what did I do wrong? He even told me he don't want to sent me to school starting today. So, what can I say? Ready for the letters. Might not going to school this form 3. I try to play a song outside the corridor and still nothing happen. I even wrote a million text message to him that sounds like this;

dear dad,

I'm sorry if I have make whatever it is mistake that made you mad at me and turn your back on me. I'm raising my flag saying I surrender to you. somehow, I notice that you don't really want to talk to me since Tuesday last week. Whatever it is, I'm sorry.

chelsea

For sake, now his telling me that his not going to send me to school. Fine, be that way. I'm going to sulk all day. Not gonna talk just sing and dance to make me feel okay.

end X(

" I love you "

Kawan memang kawan tapi apa berlaku bila kawan suka kawan lah ! mesti orang itu bernasib kan ? sebab dia tahu kekurangan dan kelebihan seseorang itu . Seperti cerita cinta saya . Tak semua orang dapat grek macam itu kan ? Dahlah dia lelaki melayu pertama saya cinta . Apatah yang lain lain itu .. Kalau diceritakan semuanya , memang habis satu page ni . Tapi tak nak lah cerita semua , saya tahu orang yang terasa nanti pasti senyum seorang . Confirm punya . Tak perlu nak agak agak . Tapikan , yang pelik dia ... Inilah kali pertama saya hirau sebarang halangan . Dulu , susah payah nak layan halangan itu sampaikan gaduh ini itu . Tapi ini berbeza . Yalah , jarang dapat lelaki seperti ini . One in a million ! Tak pun , one and only . Ngee . Terus terang lah , saya memang bermimpi nak ada lelaki seperti dia ini . Semuanya seperti ciri ciri saya . Yabest ! torang ada ? xda ! HAHAHA .

CHELSEA BULAN

Simply in love with you

Dear readers,

       I got a stories to tell you guys. Lately, I have fallen for my own friend last month. Before I got so close with him, he was a very special friend to me. He really accompanied me when I was not in a mood or need someone to talk with. He usually makes me smile and laugh. It's like half of the month since 2011, we were so close. In fact, I did like him. I admit. Yes, I did but I was with someone else. When he told me that he wanted to be single starting next year, I was surprised. He finally make those decision. We talk a lot in the phone, class? not really, kinda? maybe. as the days came by, I have this huge feelings towards him. I don't know why but why would I spend my whole life wishing for someone to come but in yet, they are right in front of you. So, here the sense when it comes to jealousy. On January, He did have a partner and so do I. Saturday morning, he came with a smile on his face to school. I swear, I was really sure of those feeling. When I was doing the painting, he came and play around. well, I was very happy back then. Instead of playing around, I wish he was with me. Other than that, I went to the toilet to wash the painting on my hands. When I got back, I saw him across the pathway. seeing him holding his phones. Okay! this is where the weird feelings come. I walk to him and disturb him while he was on the phone. Seriously, I was fucking jealous! I can't dare to take those risk to see. Even, when I was sweeping our class.. I keep on looking at him. Now, that's unacceptable how I got jealous. I mean, why would I right? He was just a friend to me not more than that. After all the works and job has settle, we went outside to hang out. I was the only one who alone there. He came to me and ask me what's wrong? In fact, I know it's normal thing to do. asking what's wrong? how are you? but with his look and my feeling, when it connect.. Dude, I can see the sparkles. Then, I know I like him. I mean like like like him. It's like faking myself, trying to lie saying I'm not in love. But deed yes, I'm! maybe it's impossible for me to be with him. Maybe not. Let's just make it simple, it's just complicated.

Sincerely,
CHELSEA BULAN 

Got you right where I want you .

Maybe I think your cute and funny . Maybe I think I'm in love with you . How if I told you that I like you ? How if I told you that I just want you right where you standing your feet on the ground . hey ! You and me were always there for each other , wind or sunny .. we were always there , no matter what . but all this sudden , I have this feeling for you . You make me wanna said it with every words you spoke . You told me you love me . as well as I get what you said , Now I realize I wasn't the only one who felt that way . I like it how you wave to me with does smile . How I saw your face every morning . such a tragedies , how I fall for you . It's a whole sum of me . I wasn't feeling quite like myself . something inside me was sitting on the shelf but when you come .. My sorrow , you blew it away and buried it deep inside . Something about you , I would like just dig in again and look through it . Maybe , I love you ;D

- F -